Done
by dragonpearlz
Summary: Sirius returns home from work to find a very sick, very depressed Remus. Then they deal with the repercussions. Sneeze Fiction Warning: Suicidal impulses. Sirius/Remus
1. Staring at Death

"Honey, I'm home!" called Sirius, as he entered the flat that he and Remus shared.

A large, bulky salt and pepper haired man popped out of the bedroom. "Sirius, good. I'm so glad you're home," he said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Moody?" Sirius asked in surprise. "How did you get here before I did? I just saw you like an hour ago!" He paused while pondering this, and then his eyes darkened. "Is something wrong?"

"Well, unlike you – who likes to take pleasant strolls on his way home – I apparated. The owl arrived about 10 minutes after you left. And, seeing as I was unable to locate you – I apparated here."

Panicked at the lack of an answer to his second question, he repeated it. "Is it Remus? Is something wrong with Remus?" Sirius asked, pushing to get past. Moody put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Wait! You should know what you're walking into. Remus is … unwell. You should look at this like a hostage situation. Remember the training. Think of this like a Death Eater has Remus and you have to get Remus out of this alive, without killing the Death Eater."

Sirius looked at him like he was bloody crazy. Before waiting for further explanation, he had pushed past Moody and was walking into the bedroom. When he got there, he saw Remus in a pile of blankets on the floor. He looked terrible, bloodshot eyes, sickeningly pale skin, and obvious tear stains streaking down his face. Wisps of his auburn hair were matted to his face. He also noticed Lily edging around the perimeter of the room, and James sitting on the floor about six feet away from Remus. Both of their wands were on the dresser.

Remus was holding a cylinder metal piece in his had. Sirius had read about these in some of Remus' muggle books. He knew it was called a gun. He knew it was something muggles used to kill each other with. He had no idea how or why Remus had one. He also couldn't figure out why Remus had it pointed at his own chest. When he noticed Sirius come into the room, he pointed the gun at him instead.

"Sirius, stay there!" Lily snapped.

Sirius stopped in his tracks. He saw the wildness in Remus' eyes. His fever had obviously gotten worse since that morning, and he had been crying – a lot. "Remus, love, what is going on?" he asked as gently as he could muster, under the circumstances.

"Put your wand down, Sirius! PUT IT DOW-!" his voice caught and he started coughing harshly. In that moment James moved closer about a foot, and Lily started to move herself off of the wall, towards Remus. Sirius did as he was told and put his wand down. A simple _expelliamus_ spell would probably have fixed the situation, but he couldn't be sure the gun wouldn't be triggered and go off, and he couldn't take that risk. James went to grab the gun, but Remus' coughing calmed down just enough for him to pull it away.

"No!" he stated firmly, pulling it away and turning it on James. "I told you no, James. You don't know what it's like to be a monster! You don't know what it's like to be possessed! You don't!" He got more and more upset the more he vented. The gun shook in his hands and he started gasping for breath.

Lily gasped and Sirius' eyes widened. But, James sat still, his face firm. He showed no signs of fear. "I know. It's going to be okay. Now put the gun down," he said flatly.

"You don't know! I'm a burden. I'm a burden to my family, my friends, my mate and the cause!" He started to sob again. He sniffed, twice. "Hisshoo! Kisshoo! Hisshoo!" His body pitched forward each time, and James went for the gun again, but Remus turned his body, and the gun, away from him. "No…James. No…," he said through sobs. "Every month…EVERY month you all take turns caring for me. Your lives would be so much – hissshoo! Hissshhoo!" he wiped his nose off on the sleeve of his pajamas. "So much better," he gasped for air. "so so much better without me," he said quietly, as he turned the gun on himself again. He sniffed and closed his eyes. Tears ran down his face. He took some shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down. "Kisshoo!" he groaned absent-mindedly.

"Bless you, mate," Sirius said, his voice full of compassion and worry.

Remus opened his eyes. They were filled with hopelessness and tears. Remus dropped his head into his hand.

Lily took two steps towards him, but he lifted his head and glared at her. The amount of anger and hurt in his eyes stopped her. He moved the gun like he was considering pointing it at her, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

James looked like he was going beat Remus to a bloody pulp. Remus noticed. "James, Lily, Sirius – you know I'd never hurt you. I don't want to hurt any of your. Nobody but myself."

"But, that hurts us mate," Sirius said, quietly.

"That's not fair!" Remus exclaimed.

Sirius started moving forward slowly. "What's not fair, mate?"

"Hisshoo! Kisshsoo! Tisshoo!" Three harsh sneezes snapped him forward. The point of the gun pushed into his chest. James and Lily visibly flinched. Remus sniffed wetly. "It's not fair that I hurt you by living and I'd hurt you by dying. It's just not fair."

Sirius paused at that, unsure of how to answer.

"Remus, sweetheart," Lily picked up softly, walking slowly towards the huddled heap on the floor. "We couldn't get by without you. Who took notes for these two numbskulls all through Hogwarts? Who protected me when the Slytherins attacked me, in my 5th year? Who has always made sure that none of us have ever wanted or needed for anything –ever? Yes, Remus, we love you. You have earned the love. We love your charm, your kindness, your pure heart. We love you for who – and what you are. We love you because you're a good man, Remus Lupin."

Remus' hung his head and started to sob again. His grip on the gun loosened and in that moment James snatched it away. As he backed off both Lily and Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him into a loose, but protective hug. Remus sobbed uncontrollably while Lily and Sirius held on, until he fell asleep exhausted, but alive, in their arms.


	2. Dealing with the weirdness

Sirius looked at Remus' sleeping form, and wiped away a tear that was forming in the corner of his eye.

"Oh, Remus," he whispered. 'Am I really that awful to be with?' he thought to himself. Pushing the thought out of his mind, he gazed back at Remus. He looked exhausted, even in his sleep.

A tear dripped down his cheek, but to brush it away he would have to take his hands off of Remus. Right then, he was holding Remus' hand with one hand and the other was stroking Remus' fly-away bangs off his face. _'I'm a burden by living and a burden by dying,'_ he heard Remus' voice in his head. "You're not a burden to me. You're the light of my life, Remus Lupin," he whispered.

He sniffed and turned to get a tissue.

"I hope you're not catching my cold," Remus whispered, his raspy voice making Sirius wince.

Sirius turned quickly, and looked at him with a cold stare. "You wanted to leave me?" he asked in a much harsher voice than he had wanted to.

Remus gasped and gave way to husky coughs.

Sirius sighed and moved to help Remus sit up. But, Remus pushed him away.

"You don't want my help?" Sirius asked, his voice betraying him and showing how much the action had hurt him. He handed Remus a glass of water and got up. "Oh…okay…," he stammered.

"No…," Remus whispered between sips of water.

Wiping another tear off his cheek, he forced himself to sit back down on the bed. This wasn't about him, or his feelings. This was about Remus. "Love, why? Why did you think that killing yourself would complete my life?"

Remus wrinkled his nose like a sneeze was upon him. But, coughed unexpectedly instead.

Sirius sighed and shook his head. "We'll have this conversation when you're feeling better." He stood again. Everything felt awkward. Usually he would care for Remus, freely, lovingly. But, he didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. Everything felt wrong. It felt like they were separated by hundreds of miles, even though they were barely three feet apart. He watched as Remus settled himself back in the bed. He wanted to help him, to hold him, to never let go. But, he didn't feel like Remus would want him to.

Remus watched as Sirius' inner conflict raged within him. His heart fluttered every time Sirius brushed away a tear. His stomach flipped every time Sirius looked angry and sad at the same time. Sirius didn't seem to know whether he was coming or going. And, Remus knew that he was the cause for that confusion.


	3. Decisions

The next week passed without an incident. Remus seemed to want to pretend nothing had happened and did his best to move on without an interruption. However, Sirius was quite unable to do so. The whole idea that Remus wanted to die , and had gone to such great lengths to procure a gun and a silver bullet, was far more than Sirius's depleted coping skills could handle.

Remus was the light in his life. The only love he'd ever received. And, it was slowly killing him, from the inside out, that he was such a bad person that this love was so toxic that Remus wanted to kill himself to get away from him.

He watched Remus go through his normal routine with great envy. Obviously whatever pushed Remus beyond his coping skills had passed. But, Sirius couldn't get that night out of his head. He replayed his friendship, courtship and relationship with Remus through his mind. He always thought he treated him kindly, with appreciation and love. He tended to him after long moons, and often held him for any reason they could figure, and often no reason at all. He had even learned to lean on Remus when his own life seemed to want to kill him.

But, now everything felt different. Remus was obviously unhappy. But, when he went about his normal routine, even Sirius wanted to believe that they didn't need to discuss what had happened. But, when another night had passed with Remus going to bed early and Sirius sitting on the couch repressing his tears as he relived Remus' suicide attempt, he knew that they had to talk about it.


	4. Working it Out

Sirius took a heavy breath and unclenched his fits. He felt blood trickle down his hands, but he didn't care. He knew that he deserved whatever pain and punishment he received. His mind drifted back to his fifth year at Hogwarts, when he held Remus as he sobbed and imparted the secrets of his not so loving and accepting family. Sirius vowed then and there to always take care of Remus, to love him and protect him without want of anything except Remus' love. Remus had promised.

"You promised," he whispered.

He couldn't figure out what had changed, or when. He thought everything was perfect.

'How stupid are you?' he thought to himself. 'How could you miss something this big?'

"I just didn't know," he whispered guiltily.

'Release him then. Give him permission to go.'

"No," he whispered, as tears crept into his eyes and his nose began to run.

'This isn't about you, Sirius. Stop being a selfish git. Remus obviously isn't happy. And if you love him, you just want him to be happy… even if you're not part of it.'

He choked back a sob and dug his nails back into his hands. Bending over he bit his lip as he continued to choke back the tears.

"Sirius?" he heard Remus ask sleepily.

"Go to bed, Rem," he said between the sobs.

"Sirius? What's the matter?" Remus asked mildly.

"What's the matter?!" Sirius screamed, waving his hands around wildly. "What the frell do you think is the matter?!"

"Sirius," Remus said, ignoring his question, "are you bleeding?"

"Frell my bleeding! What the frell do you care?!" Sirius spat at him.

Remus looked as though Sirius had punched him in the gut. "What? Why?" he sputtered.

"Remus you tried to KILL yourself! What the frell is the matter with you? Or is it me? That's it isn't' it? You're tired of being with me! Or, perhaps it's that I don't make you happy. Fine! Just fine then. If you want to break up, and unbond – you just say the word and I'll set you up somewhere, where you can live on your own. We don't have to be together you know?! You're not _attached_ to me. You can live your own frelling life, if that's what you want!" He continued to scream at Remus. All of his fears and insecurities barreling out at once.

At first Remus looked confused. But, then the words started to hit home, and he started to cry. Slow silent tears at first, then heavier guilty ones, that made him shake. "No, no, Sirius, it wasn't you."

"What don't I make you happy?!" Sirius bellowed.

Both of them froze and an eerie silence set over the room.

Remus swallowed hard, but said nothing.

The longer the silence continued the more Sirius' heart broke. "I knew it," he whispered, flopping down on the couch.

"You think this is about you?" Remus asked. "What kind of a selfish git are you?" His voice was steady, even, angry.

Sirius looked at him with a mixture of heartbreak and rage.

"I try to kill myself and you think it's because of you?"

"What other reason is there?"

"I feel like I burden you sometimes."

"You don't!" Sirius shouted. He seemed to have lost his volume control.

"I do," Remus said with absolute certainty. "You've given your life to me."

"Willingly."

"And I can't reciprocate."

Sirius felt his heart break. "Where would you like to live?" he asked, swallowing hard.

Remus looked at him oddly. "Here of course."

He wanted the house? Well, he had asked. "Okay," Sirius whispered, nodding his head. "It's not like this house is full of happy memories for me."

Now it was Remus' turn to look hurt. "Wait, what?"

"I'll find somewhere else to live by the end of the week. Do you think you can stomach me for that long?" Sirius asked, still not looking up. "If not, I'm sure I can live with… James…or…something…" Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore and he started to sob.

"Sirius, what are you talking about?" Remus asked, sitting beside him and attempting to hold him.

"Stop, just stop," Sirius instructed, and Remus moved away from him.

Collecting himself with a shaky breath, Sirius turned to Remus. "Rem, why did you try to kill yourself?"

"Haven't you been listening? I don't want to be a burden."

Sirius sighed. "And," he swallowed against the lump in his throat. "Why don't you love me anymore?"

"What?" Remus asked, genuinely surprised.

"When did it stop? What did I do that was so heinous that you stopped loving me?"

"I didn't… you didn't… wait… what? Sirius, I still love you."

Sirius looked at him skeptically. "But, you said that you couldn't give your life to me…"

Remus looked confused for a moment. "No, love, not like that. You have my life – for what little it's worth. But, I can't care for you the way you care for me."

Sirius sniffed. "I don't understand. You love me, but you don't care for me?"

"Financially," Remus squeaked.

"Remus, I have enough money. All you have to do is be you."

Remus shook his head. "Sirius, you never did understand this. I have to work – to contribute financially in order to feel like I'm carrying my weight. Because of the past year's onslaught of illness after illness interspaced with full moons… I've been a financial burden."

"No, love. You've been great," Sirius whispered.

Remus gave him a lopsided grin. "Liar. I've been sick and needy, and a grumpy patient at that."

"It's part of you, Remus. And I love you. Even the sick and grumpy parts. But, if you ever scare me like that again, I may have to cause you harm," he said, smiling trying to lighten the mood.

It worked, as Remus smiled back. "You okay?" he asked Sirius.

"As long as you stay alive, I can handle anything."

"Got it," Remus said. "Come on. Let's go to bed."


End file.
